Saturday, May 05, 2007


While George Bush, the bad boy president and the darling of homo-phobic American males everywhere, sends another aircraft carrier to the Middle East the intrepid Condi Rice pretends to conduct more of her dilapidated diplomacy and produces another failure. Such a surprise but then who ever said Condi was interested in success when it comes to diplomacy with Iran. Of course Condi will go where ever Bush sends her and she will perform her murderous act with her chubby little cheeks set in determination and her venomous dark eyes flashing.

And as this all too familiar scenario plays out into the inevitable “They forced us to bomb them, we had no choice” things in Iraq seem to just continue to collapse into a meltdown. Despite the aid of an estimated 126,000 mercenaries, all of whom are apparently above the law of any land, American troops and Marines are being stretched beyond the modulas of elasticity point of no return as their continued tour of duty is extended to 15 months and the results of a Pentagon study on their mental health bodes ill for the future.

So as this transpires and America marches to its doom our congress continues to play pattie cake, pattie cake with Bush vowing to end the war while funding it on into infinity. Republican presidential hopefuls gnash their teeth as they see themselves tied to a failed war while democrat presidential hopefuls posture by unzipping their pants and showing us the size of their penises swearing to take nothing off the table while chewing broken glass and eating nails for breakfast.

Fear not for Obama will swing into another rousing rendition of “Do You Know the Way to San Jose” regaling the huge audiences he is known to pack in while liberal pundits will utter wise thoughts such as it is about time we had a black president. John Edwards will get down on his knees and beg forgiveness for his sins while flailing his bare back with a cat-o-nine tails. Hillary will roll up her sleeves flexing her muscled arms challenging any male to an arm wrestling contest for she has much to prove and if that means bombing the be-Jesus out of the Middle East well…

As for the republican hopefuls it is time for fairy tales and morality plays, just like the ones mommy used to write for little Ronnie Reagan when he was just knee high to a grass hopper.

MR. MATTHEWS: In the NBC-Wall Street Journal poll, just 22 percent believe this country is on the right track. Mayor Giuliani, how do we get back to Ronald Reagan’s "morning in America"?

MR. GIULIANI: You get back to it with an optimism. The same situation that I faced in New York City. When I became mayor of New York City, 65-70 percent thought New York City was going on the wrong track. And what I did was I set policies and programs of growth, of moving people toward prosperity, security, safety.

And what we can borrow from Ronald Reagan, since we are in his library, is that great sense of optimism that he had. He led by building on the strengths of America, not running America down. And we’re a country that people love to come to. They want to come to this country. We’re the shining city on the hill.

Oh goodie goodie, mommy, mommy can I please have a shining city on a hill? It certainly is hard to imagine anything more specific than a shining city on a hill. Okay folks the first step to any shining city on a hill is to get those brushes out and start cleaning your toilet bowls!

Ah me, but fear not there is the good Senator McCinsane who has his copy of Grimms Fairy Tales with which to entrance us.

MR. MATTHEWS: Senator McCain, most of the public pessimism today has to do with Iraq. How -- what would you need, as commander in chief, to win the war in Iraq?

SEN. MCCAIN: I would need the support of the American people. I would need to be able to show them some success in Iraq, both on the battlefield as well as with the Maliki government.

We have a new general, we have a new strategy. That strategy can succeed. The young men and women who are serving are the best of America. I believe that if we could bring around -- about stability in the neighborhoods in Iraq and have the Maliki government govern, you are going to succeed.

My friends, when the majority leader of the United States Senate says we’ve lost the war, the men and women that are serving in Iraq reject that notion. And if we lost, then who won? Did al Qaeda win? When on the floor of House of Representatives -- they cheer. They cheer when they passed a withdrawal motion -- that is, a certain date for surrender, what were they cheering? Surrender? Defeat?

We must win in Iraq. If we withdraw, there will be chaos, there will be genocide, and they will follow us home.

Of course since what we are now involved in is purely an occupation it is difficult to know just what we are supposed to win. But don’t worry as I believe some far sighted soul equipped McCinsane with a bib so that his drooling spittle did not damage his pretty new suit.

Well I can’t go on with this post any further because I am ready for the rubber room myself. This is the leadership we have and if it is no kind of leadership at all well, all I can say is happy trails America.

But be sure to tune in next week when we report on Bush’s plan to skydive from the orbiting Hubble telescope onto the Lincoln which should keep most of the three year olds happy till the next lunatic becomes leader of the most powerful nation on earth.