Friday, April 01, 2005

I admit it

"I'm not a very good president, and I've hoodwinked millions of you."

courtesy Rotten.Com

Millions of eager viewers who were waiting for the pope to die so they could congratulate themselves on their goodness in caring about the old guy were shocked when Fox News diverted coverage from the papal deathwatch to an exclusive presidential news conference. The president continued:

"I tricked millions of people into supporting an unnecessary war just because a bunch of guys told me it would be a good idea and I bought it, and promptly sold it to you. My personal reasons were mainly I wanted to look like a tough guy. I was always in my father's shadow and my parents weren't very supportive and that really messed me up. Don't get me wrong: I don't blame you if you're sore at me, but you've got to understand where I'm coming from. I had to do something about 9/11, or at least be perceived as doing something, and I also wanted to dislodge Saddam for personal reasons, so there was a kinda synergy there. And besides, a bunch of democrats...I dunno, half of them? ...were more than happy to vote for the resolution for force, so what was I supposed to do? I mean, while we're being honest, you know as well as I do that ole John Kerry, after he voted for the resolution, well, if I backed down and announced an agreement with Saddam and the polls said I was being irresolute, well you know mister I-voted-for-it-before-I-voted-against-it would've attacked me for being weak, and Hillary probably would've chimed in too. She's always causing trouble. If you put yourself in a position where Hillary and a democrat from Massachusetts say you look weak, well, I don't have to tell you how THAT would've looked!

And then there's the deficits and the tax cuts. Ok, that probably wasn't such a hot idea either, but who forced you to re-elect me? Diebold? Well, maybe. I don't know. They won't even tell me if they jiggered the election! I mean talk about worrying about a paper trail!

So, sorry about that stuff. Oh, yeah, the enviroment too. Anyway,those guys I was telling you about told me that Dick Cheney's going to have another heart attack and resign because of his health problems. I don't mind telling you this came as a shock to me, but after I told them he was going to give a speech saying he was tired of Israel messing around with our intelligence, those guys told me it was inevitable. Overwork, I guess. If that really happens I'm going to appoint Christopher Shays as vice president and resign after a couple of weeks.

This lady on my left is my therapist, Doctor Fifi LaRue. She's been really great, helping me work things out. I feel a lot better now that I've started seeing her, and I've started to come to terms with a lot of stuff, personal stuff, that I hadn't previously dealt with. Doctor LaRue has also been working with Ken Lay, on my far left. But heck, I think you already know him. He has a bunch of things he wants to get off his chest too, but I don't want to steal his thunder...

Hello, mom? I need a hug. Hello?